Always Hungry

“Hungry” is my alibi for desire.

Especially when I want something I think I don’t deserve or shouldn’t have. Which, it turns out, is most things.

Eat only when you’re hungry.

Acknowledging desire feels like walking into a trap. Saying, “I want this new thing,” “I want to be touched,” or “I want a break” feels shameful, because I don’t have the worthiness to back up my desire.

You don’t deserve [pleasure, connection, rest]! Who do you think you are?

“You’re right. How superficial. I’m so [greedy, impure, lazy]. Never mind.”

But hunger is a response to a true need. It’s hard to argue with hunger.

I often find myself feeling “hungry.”

Eating means I get to consume something when an object or experience doesn’t fit the budget. I get to have a sensual experience when I want physical contact. I can almost guarantee rest, because I can’t be expected to fulfill obligations when I’m overfull and physically sick.

This “catch-all” sensation that is “hunger” means I don’t have a full range of motion in my emotional body. Because I allow for just one kind of wanting, I do not truly experience “angry,” “lonely,” or “tired.”

I’m always just hungry.

Never not hungry.

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