Gendermender

Some things I’ve learned since my last post:

  • Gender is a thing some people feel. I am not one of those people.
    • I don’t have an inner sense or “knowing” about my gender.
    • Gender feels like something other people put on me, based on the circumstances.
    • And I don’t always mind this.
    • I love women; I love women-only spaces. It is a joy and a privilege to exist in those spaces, even though I don’t experience myself as a “woman.”
    • The spelling “womxn” speaks to me.
  • I have mixed feelings about the word “non-binary.”
    • My experience of my own gender is non-binary.
    • But I don’t enjoy identifying myself by what I am not, even though, at times, those definitions feel like they fit best: non-male; non-straight; non-binary.
  • The words “genderqueer” and “genderfluid” feel cozy and validating.
  • All clothing feels like a costume—to one degree or another.
    • Maybe this is related to not having internal gender feelings.
    • I feel most comfortable in clothes when I am dressed “for” something: ballet clothes for class; workout clothes for yoga; formalwear for the theater; a “special” outfit for a date.
  • My gender feelings are tied up in my sexuality.
    • As I address and unpack my internalized homophobia and reacquaint myself with queer culture, I feel more at ease with the idea of calling myself a “genderqueer femme.”
    • Queer femininity is one of my favorite things ever.
    • Embracing and exploring the queerness of my sexual identity clears a lovely, safe path for exploring (and, I hope, embracing) my gender identity.
  • Sometimes I still find myself wishing I were a “real” girl.
    • And the thought is deeply shameful.
    • And I’m not even sure what would make me a “real” girl.
    • Or what I think that means.
    • Or why I might want to be one.
    • This wish is almost certainly rooted in internalized homo- and transphobia.
    • It makes me feel like an asshole.
  • All the questions and insecurities disappear when I’m alone with my sweetheart.
    • That love is the safest space I’ve ever experienced.

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